PRIDE
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June 29, 2019: Tomorrow
I'm going to ride in the world's largest gay
pride parade, leading a contingent of proud
Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
veterans who served our country in Korea,
Vietnam, Iraq, and Afghanistan; and lived through
our history of oppression, AIDS, activism, and
freedom to serve as who we are; Some of us, at
least. I'm riding in a car because I'm too
old to stand shirtless and shouting in the
streets with my fist in the air, anymore.
I did that, long ago, demanding rights.
After that, I injured my back jumping out of
helicopter gun-ships. There were those who
didn't approve of either this or that. I'm
proud of both.
Imagine being an ordinary
American born citizen, who grew up in an
ordinary American home, who received an ordinary
American suburban education, graduated high
school, and then stood on a hill breathing in
the fresh scent of new moan hay and decided to
serve your country. Sure, by the time you
were 17 or 18, you always knew that was what you
wanted to do. But, by that time, you also
always knew you were gay. And you thought,
"why the hell would I want to jump head first
into the hell of hatred where everyone from the
president on down wants me to eat shit and die?"
You hesitated. But then, your fellow students,
who took their freedom for granted, burned the
American flag in protest against the Vietnam
War, or later terrorists blew up the Pentagon
and Twin Towers, or maybe much earlier the
Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor. Suddenly,
you knew what you were going to do! Like
everyone else who wasn't a coward, you went
downtown and proudly volunteered to serve your
country.
Throughout history, young people
have proudly stepped forward to serve without
having a clue what the hell they were getting
into. They imagine crisp cool uniforms,
marching in parades with martial music and huge
crowds of citizens cheering them on. They
never imagine the brutality of boot camp, nor
the smell of cordite, blood and feces as
they lay dying in filthy mud on a battlefield
far from home. All that truth comes later
when its too late. The rationalization, if
you're gay, is that you think it doesn't matter
who or what you are so long as you want to be a
part of something bigger and more important.
Its a good motivation with the best of patriotic
intentions. The reality comes later, in
boot camp, when the asshole standing next to you
crudely jokes around about exactly how he would
kill a queer if he ever found one, without his
knowing that the guy he's talking about is
standing right next to him. That is when
your mouth goes dry in terror and you try to
somehow keep from sweating and turning red,
while you pretend to laugh crudely along with
everyone else. And you think, "Maybe I
should have joined the Peace Corps so I could be
teaching poor primitive people how to build
solar ovens somewhere." Too late.
The Pride comes much later,
after you managed to survive, learned how to do
something esoteric, got promoted, and come home
on leave, puff chested and square jawed, stuffed
into a crisp snappy uniform to the amazement of
people you went to school with who always
thought you were a sissy. HA! Now look!
NO; actually the pride comes years later, after
you served, with double pride, i.e. proud of
having served, and proud of having done so
because of who you are. Most people who
never served don't get that, they can't, they've
always been too comfortable to be able to
imagine doing something greater than themselves.
For those who served during
Vietnam, you learned to not mention that you're
a veteran who served, because people would think
you were a crazed killer. Nowadays people
who never served have learned to respectfully
say, "Thank you for serving!" If you
served during Vietnam and hear that, you try to
keep from pursing your lips in contempt of the
complement that came 50 years too late, and just
nod and quietly mutter, "Um, yeah sure, thank
you."
So, Gay Pride is one thing.
Being a proud gay veteran is something else
completely. If you're an old gay person
who has lived through the loneliness and hate,
the death of everyone you knew from AIDS, the
battle for civil rights, the grudging granting
of rights, and the hatemongering of the current
president, you have to wonder if the young
people proudly marching in pride in parades even
have a clue how their freedom was gained.
If you're an old gay veteran, you know that you
served so everyone could be free, and you lived
through everything else so that something called
Gay Pride could come to exist. You served
so that in the future, now, others could serve
openly in pride. You know you did
something greater than yourself, for humanity
perhaps. As for the thanks coming 50
years too late; 'um, yeah sure, thanks.'
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