Here
I
am,
March
14th,
2008,
standing
on a
hillside
overlooking
the
solemn
rows
of
white
crosses
dotting
the
hillside
against
the
sunny
blue
sky.
With
a
cool
early
Spring
breeze
blowing
against
my
skin
I
stand
at
attention
watching
the
Military
Honor
Guard
take
the
flag
draped
casket
of
my
friend
Major
Alan
G.
Rogers,
USA,
from
the
hearse
and
slowly
lift
him
up
upon
the
horse
drawn
Caisson
for
the
full
military
honors
burial
procession.
This
is
the
last
place
I
expected
to
be
on a
warm
early
spring
day,
saying
goodbye
to
my
friend
Alan
at
his
burial
in
Arlington
National
Cemetery.
But
here
I
am,
along
with
about
200
of
his
friends,
family,
community
members,
Army
and
other
military
and
DoD
colleagues
to
say
goodbye
and
honor
our
friend,
a
true
patriot
that
gave
the
ultimate
sacrifice,
his
life,
while
serving
in
Operation
Iraqi
Freedom.
Alan
was
killed
on
January
27th,
2008
while
on
foot
patrol
when
an
IED
exploded
nearby.
I
had
just
spoken
with
Alan
by
email
the
day
before
on
January
26th,
and
he
was
looking
forward
to
seeing
his
friends
in
DC
again.
He
will
be
sorely
missed. |
Alan
was
a
true
soldier
and
loved
serving
his
country.
And
he
was
also
a
gay
man.
Alan
was
not
someone
who
hid
his
sexual
orientation. He
didn’t
wear
it
on
his
sleeve,
but
he
didn’t
hide
it
under
a
cloak
either.
He
was
a
warm,
gentle
spirit
and
a
true
leader
who
always
looked
for
ways
to
help
others.
Sadly,
in
life,
due
to
the
military’s
discriminatory
Don’t
Ask,
Don’t
Tell
law
and
policy
Alan
like
so
many
others
had
to
live
his
life
compartmentalized
instead
of
being
his
whole
self.
Each
of
us
has
many
different
characteristics
and
traits
that
make
up
our
whole
identity.
For
some
it
is
easy
to
be
whole,
but
for
LGBT
servicemembers
it
isn’t. |
While I was
on the way to
the funeral, I
left my house in
Alexandria VA
and got on the
subway train
from Huntington
Station. There
was a young
couple across
from me. The
young Asian man,
an Army
Lieutenant. was
dressed in his
field uniform
with gear. His
significant
other, not sure
if she was his
wife or
girlfriend, was
by his side,
holding hands,
smiling at each
other, sharing a
wonderful moment
together. As I
always do, I
introduced
myself as a
fellow veteran
and thanked the
young man for
his service to
the country and
thanked his
girlfriend/wife
for her service
and sacrifice as
well. I asked
the Lieutenant
if he was
deploying and he
said he was
returning to
deployment after
rest and
relaxation
(R&R). I thanked
him again for
his service and
wished him well.
Then turned
towards the
train door so he
didn’t see the
smile on my face
turn down, and
the tears well
up in my eyes
thinking of my
friend Alan who
didn’t return.
When the train
pulled up to
National Airport
and the couple
stood up, I
reached out
again and shook
his hand and
said ‘Be safe
and hurry home.’
He smiled and
thanked me, and
as he left the
train his
girlfriend/wife
turned to me
with tears
welling up in
her eyes and
whispered thank
you as she also
saw the tears in
my eyes. That
young Lieutenant
like so many
others deployed
are in my
prayers every
night for safe
return. Sadly,
my friend Alan
only got a
one-way ticket
over there. The
differences are,
the young Asian
Lieutenant was
able to be whole
in his identity
as a young Asian
man,
heterosexual,
open about his
relationship,
and if God
forbid he
doesn’t make it
home safely his
girlfriend/wife
will be
notified. For
Alan, there was
still
compartmentalization.
A part of his
life, his sexual
orientation, was
still hidden,
and for many of
his gay friends
we didn’t find
out about his
death until a
month later. If
he had a
partner, they
would have never
received a call
or visit from a
casualty
officer. Even in
death our friend
Alan’s life was
compartmentalized.
The burial
service for our
friend Alan was
an excellent
tribute to his
courage,
bravery,
sacrifice, and
the people whose
lives he
touched. Over
200 people
gathered from
all walks of
life, both
active duty
military and
civilian, gay
and straight,
White, Black,
Asian, Latino,
and so many
other diverse
communities
represented.
They all stood
silently for the
full military
burial honors.
All stood at
attention for
the playing of
Taps. And many
of us filed up
to the open
grave and knelt
down in prayer
at Alan’s
casket, and then
stood up and
saluted our
friend for the
last time. Tears
flowed down the
cheeks of many
that day. We
were all there
as one to honor
our friend. The
difference once
again was that
many were there
fully open and
able to be
clearly
identified for
their whole
self. While a
dozen or more of
gay active duty
military
personnel,
friends of
Alan’s, from
enlisted ranks
up to an
active duty
senior officer
who is also gay,
stood by
silently to
honor their
friend
questioning
whether or not
their partners
or loved ones
would be
notified if
something
happened to them
during
deployment. They
continue to have
to live a
compartmentalized
life. Each day
having to leave
part of
themselves at
home in a closet
while the other
self goes out to
serve our
country, and
sometimes die
for our country.
What is most
disheartening to
me as a gay
veteran is that
the day before
my friend Alan
Rogers was
killed in combat
if the Army
found out he was
gay then
suddenly he
wouldn’t be
qualified to
continue serving
the country he
loved. But the
next day he was
a hero for
giving his life
for his country.
But he couldn’t,
even in death,
be identified as
a gay hero. For
many of us in
the DC gay
military
community he is
our gay military
hero and our
friend, no
matter how
others may
remember him. As
we left
Arlington
Cemetery that
day we all
smiled sadly and
began telling
stories of our
friend and hero
Major Alan
Rogers.
Later, the
evening of March
14th, 2008 many
of Alan’s
friends and
extended family
gathered in a
Northwest
Washington DC
Bed & Breakfast
to celebrate his
life. This was
the location we
had gathered in
a year before
with Alan for
his
pre-deployment
party. The
evening was
filled with many
friends and
family, gay and
straight,
telling stories
of Alan.
A
reporter from
the Washington
Post was at the
burial service
at Arlington
earlier in the
day, and stayed
at the B&B from
the beginning at
7:30 until late
in the evening
around 10p.m.
interviewing gay
and straight
friends and
family. It was a
wonderful sight
to see all the
diversity in the
room all with
one common goal
and purpose, to
honor the life
of this great
American hero
and our friend
and loved one,
Major Alan
Rogers. He
touched the
lives of so many
people. There
were friends
there from all
over the U.S.,
Europe, and
Southeast Asia
(South Korea) to
honor Alan.
Those of us who
talked to the
Washington Post
reporter had
also talked to
Alan’s closest
friends and
family to
confirm if they
were ok with
including
identifying Alan
as a gay man in
the story. We
didn’t want to
tell just a ‘gay
story’ about our
friend, but his
whole story.
They were all in
agreement that
Alan would want
his whole story
told. As I left
the life
celebration
event that
evening I felt
sad but happy
that we were
honoring Alan as
we all felt he
would have
wanted.
The next day
I went to the
gravesite at
Arlington to
visit Alan’s
grave. I sat
down on the
fresh earth
beside the
temporary marker
of Alan’s. He is
buried next to
(then) 7 fresh
graves of others
killed in
Operation Iraqi
Freedom. As I
sat there
thinking about
my lost friend a
young woman came
up to another
grave nearby, a
young Army
Private also
killed in Iraq.
I noticed the
crescent moon
and star on his
new white
tombstone
indicating he
was Muslim. I
spoke with her
briefly and
learned that he
was 21 when
killed by an IED.
She also told me
that he loved
being in the
Army and serving
in Iraq. He
loved his
country. She
comes to put
fresh flowers on
his grave twice
weekly, driving
down from
Columbia
Maryland. I
learned that
many of the
spouses,
parents, and
friends develop
friendships on
these visits to
honor the ones
they loved and
lost in the war.
Here was yet
another
diversity
identifier for
this young
soldier that
gave his life.
Yet, for my
friend Alan,
there’s nothing
to indicate he
was a gay man
that honorably
served his
country and gave
the ultimate
sacrifice. Even
in death he
can’t be a whole
person, and his
life remains
compartmentalized.
Since Alan’s death and
burial service at
Arlington several news
stories, editorials, and
blogs have been
published, some telling
the whole story and some
once again keeping his
life compartmentalized.
I’m sure there will be
many more.
Sadly, his family has
changed their position
on wanting his whole
story to be told. We
(his gay friends) never
meant to upset the
family, but the story
had already gotten out
when they changed their
position. We reported
Alan’s whole story with
the best of intentions
to honor Alan. I
leave each of you
reading this article to
follow up on your own
and read the stories
written about Alan and
make your own
conclusions. I will say
that for all of us that
knew Alan, gay or
straight, friend or
family, we all had and
continue to have the
same goal, honoring
Alan’s life and memory,
as he would have wanted
it. The challenge is
that we don’t have
anything definitive from
Alan on how best to do
this. We each have our
own knowledge and
experience of our
relationships with Alan
to define our stories
and actions, but still
nothing concrete from
Alan himself. For me,
this is the most
compelling thing about
Alan’s death and the
stories. All of us,
whether gay or straight,
have a story to tell. We
have things in our lives
that are very important
to us, that are our
legacy. That is why it
is so important to
document your story now.
Let your friends,
family, loved ones, and
the community around you
know who you are now,
and how you want to be
remembered. For if you
don’t, then your story
too may become
compartmentalized and
only half told or not
told at all. Clearly
communicate your story
now for loved ones to
pass on to future
generations. No matter
what your faith
traditions, I believe
that none of them have a
‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell
Policy’ in the
Afterlife. I also hope
this story encourages
partners of other LGBT
servicemembers killed in
combat to come forward
and tell their whole
story as well. Alan
certainly wasn't the
first, and there are
many other unsung heroes
whose whole story needs
to be told.
And everyone deserves to
be whole and have the
whole story told in
death to fully honor his
or her memory. I will
forever honor my friend,
my gay hero, Major Alan
G. Rogers, and ask that
you honor him fully as
well.
Tony
Smith
USAF Veteran
(1990-1995)
Proud Openly
Gay Veteran |
|
-------------------------------------------------
Editors note: A number
of articles regarding
the loss of Major Alan
Rogers have appeared in
both mainstream and gay
media. Among them:
The Washington Post:
Army Officer Remembered
as Hero; Friends, Fellow
Soldiers Mourn Loss of
'Exceptional' Man
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/03/21/AR2008032103036.html
Washington Blade:
http://www.washblade.com/2008/3-28/news/national/12300.cfm
Washington Post
Ombudsman's article:
Public Death, Private
Life
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/03/28/AR2008032803062.html?sub=AR