letter to the
editor
a gay
soldier's husband
April 2009
Hi, my name is D and my partner of 16 years is currently
serving in Iraq. We are raising a 13 year old girl
together. I started to blog to express the
aggravation, fear and frustration that Don't Ask, Don't
Tell forces on Gay and Lesbian families like mine.
It would be good to have access to the Base support
services. I really don't have any idea what they would
be, but I imagine things like spousal and family phone
trees, potlucks and various other gatherings,
counseling; the benefit of sharing with others going
through similar things.
Fair is not a word I use much anymore. There is no
guarantee of fairness in this life. There are those who
will sympathize with me, those who scold me that I knew
what I was getting into, and even those will who tell me
I shouldn't have any 'special rights'.
What I think, however, is that it is just plain
cruelty. It's cruel that a good soldier, who has been
shot at, rocketed, mortared since his first day on duty
in Iraq never got to say a proper goodbye to the person
he loves. Instead, with our daughter in the backseat,
we pulled behind a warehouse at the edge of the base,
stepped out of the car and held each other briefly in
the pouring rain. The rain started to change to snow.
I dropped him a bit away from the main gate, so that
nobody would see me, and he walked alone in the sleet
to report for duty. I held it together so that he could
make that walk without looking back in worry. I held it
together because I didn't want our daughter to be scared
as I screamed and pounded my fists on the steering
wheel.
We have a code for 'I love you' on the phone, and in our
correspondence. There are things I ache to say to him,
but try my best to sound like just a good friend. My
writing is a stilted, messy kind of chicken scratching,
no matter how hard I try - I looks like a guy's
writing. I could type it or have someone transpose it,
but I refuse. I stubbornly want him to somehow find
comfort in its familiarity, in its messiness.
We are blessed with a cadre of close friends who have
promised to send all sorts of goodies to him. I know
that soldiers long for these things; sometimes out of
necessity, but more as a touchstone to home and the
people they love. I wonder how he'll feel as his
buddies pass around pictures of their wives and
girlfriends. I wonder if he'll make up stories, remove
himself or stay painfully silent. I think the bond
forged with his buddies in battle will suffer - him
having to always hold back just a little; these the men
who go through things together that I can't even
imagine.
Fairness has nothing to do with it. But, if anyone has
a sliver of a conscience, an ounce of empathy, it should
make them squirm in your their seat a little. At least
I hope it does, because then there is the hope that it
will change some day. ©
2009 Gay Military Signal |