Family
under fire
by Dana Rudolph
Copyright 2008 Dana Rudolph.
Originally published in Bay
Windows, January 10, 2008.
Rudolph is the founder and publisher of
Mombian, a blog and resource
directory for LGBT parents. |
Five-year-old
William and three-year-old Ryan are the children of
decorated U.S. Army officer Cheryl Parker. Like other
children of service members, they have dealt with
cross-country moves and months without their mother
while she was deployed in Iraq. Unlike the others,
however, they must forgo many benefits, conveniences
and support services offered to military families, or
risk revealing that they have another mother, Donna
Lewis. This could lead to Parker’s dismissal under
the military’s "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell"
policy, even in LGBT-friendly Massachusetts. (Note:
Names and identifying details have been changed to
protect the family.)
In the close-knit community of an army base, there is
a strong chance the young children will inadvertently
out their mothers. "When I tried to put William
in on-base daycare," explains Parker, "he
would talk about having two moms. A lot of the daycare
workers are spouses of military personnel. I don’t
need somebody’s wife saying ’What’s the deal
with William Parker?’" The same applies to the
other activities provided by the Army family centers,
such as kiddie gym classes. "The questions start
and then the lying begins, and it’s just too
complicated."
The couple is adamant, however, that however much they
must lie to protect their family, they will never have
their children do so. Lewis explains "We can’t
take them to the commissary together anymore. One of
the boys will say ’Mom? Not you, my other mom.’ We
can’t tell him, ’Don’t say that,’ because
he’s going to say, ’Why?’ The best way to deal
with it is just not to put them in that
situation."
The "situations" are often ones children
would relish. "They had this humongous playground
on one base that William absolutely loved," says
Lewis. "But if there were a lot of kids around,
we couldn’t go, because he might say ’That’s my
mom, my other mom’s at home.’ That’s what kids
do. They introduce themselves. If he was going to play
by himself, which really sounds sad, then it was okay
for him to go to the playground." She adds,
"He’s dying to play soccer, and they have
on-base teams for younger kids. We have to find a team
off base, away from the area. William can’t go to
the swimming pool, he can’t go to movie day, the
things other kids are allowed to do."
Parker says holidays are especially hard. "We had
a Thanksgiving function where all the other officers
brought their spouses and children. The children were
running amok in this big banquet area. I can’t bring
my kids to these wonderful things because I’m afraid
of what they could say. It would cost me my job."
They also stayed away from the kids’ holiday party
on base, complete with Santa and gifts for each child.
"We thought ’It’s just not worth it.’
We’ll take them to the mall again to see Santa if we
have to," Parker says. They found another
alternative, in an off-base organization that has
Santa "deliver" a gift that you drop off
with them in advance. "We still had to sanitize
our house and take down pictures," recalls
Parker, "because God forbid, Santa would be
Colonel So-and-So’s retired brother or
whatever." Lewis reflects, "It’s very hard
to explain to the children that you hid a picture.
That is the saddest part, that even in our own home,
we have to hide."
They cannot ever live on base, where they could get
free housing, but where neighbors would be more likely
to question Donna’s constant presence and note the
boys call her "Mom." Parker says there are
more than financial benefits here. "Living on
base, you’re safer, you don’t have the same kind
of traffic, you have the medical clinic, the
commissary, the PX. Everything’s right there and
convenient."
Instead of spending time on base, the family often
finds itself at a local mall that has a play area;
momentary fun, but not a place to build lasting
friendships. The worries don’t stop at the base
gate, however. Parker reflects "You can be at the
carnival and say something, and the person behind you
could be somebody from your office."
When the family socializes, it is most often with
non-military, same-sex families. "We show them
the other moms so they grow up thinking this is normal
and this is great." Lewis worries, however, that
this means less exposure to straight families, a view
of the world as limiting as the other way around.
As their children grow older, they will miss out on
even more. "Some installations have secondary
schools," says Parker, "that often don’t
have the issues with drugs and gangs that you have on
the outside. If someone is misbehaving, you’re going
to know about it a lot quicker. It’s almost like
sending your child to a private school for free."
In order to attend school there, the boys would have
to lie about their family. The same is true for a
base’s teen center, an after-school hangout that
also offers field trips and dance nights. "There
are not a lot of opportunities like that off base that
I know would be as safe," Parker observes.
Parker would pay for such opportunities, but she
observes a big advantage to being with other children
of military personnel: "Their dads and moms are
at war, too. If nothing else, the boys would have a
bond because those kids know what it is to be scared.
I’ll be gone a lot before I retire. My kids aren’t
going to have that support. In a non-military setting,
the kids don’t understand. This war is something
they read about in the news. It doesn’t affect
them."
Discrimination impacted their family right from the
start. When Parker was trying to get pregnant with
William, the Army refused to pay for her artificial
insemination because she was not married. It cost them
thousands of dollars. When Lewis was pregnant (with
insemination again paid for out of pocket), she had to
go on welfare to get the insurance coverage for
Ryan’s birth.
The couple then had to pretend Parker was a single mom
of two. She couldn’t do a second-parent adoption of
Ryan because adoption papers, showing Lewis as the
other mom, would be a matter of public record. (The
same is true for marriages.) Instead, they filed
paperwork to give Parker guardianship. She explains,
"The Army only recognizes Ryan as a dependent, a
’custodial child,’ not as my son. He’s my
son," she says with conviction. "I don’t
fight it because he still has all the rights and
privileges as William. If I fight that battle, then
I’ll lose the war. My job is what provides for my
family."
If the boys get sick, Parker must leave work to take
them to the free on-base hospital, because the Army
does not see Lewis as having any standing to dictate
their medical care. "Not that I can’t stop what
I’m doing," Parker says, "but it’s so
unfair if Donna wants to do those things, and other
stay-at-home moms get to waltz right in and get their
kids seen."
Each time Parker is transferred, they have to pay
Lewis’s relocation expenses, whereas the Army pays
for legal spouses. "If I have to pay $1500 for
Donna’s move," Parker says, "that’s
$1500 I could have spent on my kids’ education or
some other way that would benefit them."
The financial and practical hardships are tough, but
the couple struggles most with the emotional ones.
When Parker’s unit returned from Iraq, Lewis and the
boys did not attend their homecoming parade. Parker
will soon have a promotion ceremony, which for married
officers involves their spouse and children. The boys
will stay home with Lewis that day, unable to see
their mother rewarded for her work and commitment.
When Parker retires, her children will not see Lewis
presented with a bouquet and a retirement certificate
signed by the President of the United States like
other spouses, a gesture of appreciation for her role
in caring for the family during Parker’s years of
service.
Parker and Lewis know a few other military same-sex
couples with children, but not enough to form a
support network in the shifting world of deployments
and postings. In an email, Victor Maldonado of the
Servicemembers Legal Defense Network says it is
impossible to tell how many such families there are,
for the law prevents them from identifying themselves.
Parker expresses the feelings of many LGBT service
members when she asks "How do I fight for the
rights of others when mine are so restricted?
They’re taking convicted felons into the military,
but I’m beneath a convicted felon." The worst
part is, she says, "Because of that, my kids have
to suffer."
Parker knows people will ask "Why doesn’t she
just quit?" She gives a soldier’s answer:
"I’ve known I was gay since I was probably five
years old. I’ve known I wanted to be in the military
since I was ten, when I saw the marching band go by.
This is something that’s been in my blood. It’s
easy for people when things get tough just to quit and
move on to something else, but I refuse to let them
take away my dream. I’ll go out kicking and
screaming. It should be your right to defend your
country, with no strings attached."
She wants her children to have a positive view of the
military, too. "All I want them to know right now
is that the military gives me a good job, it benefits
them. They won’t know that I have to live in such
fear and secrecy until they absolutely have to. I’m
hoping by the time they get old enough, things will be
different. I’m being optimistic, but it could
happen."
Lewis adds "We want them to be honest, and we
want them to be themselves. We’ve already talked
about it - if that means they out us and we lose
everything, then to us, that’s God’s will. I am
not going to try and teach my babies to be good,
upstanding citizens and in the same breath say
’Lie.’ I can’t. It doesn’t work."
That’s a sense of values the military should be
proud to embrace.
Dana Rudolph is the founder and publisher of Mombian.com,
a blog and resource directory for LGBT parents.
Dana Rudolph is the
founder and publisher of Mombian,
a blog and resource directory for LGBT parents. She
can be reached at drudolph@mombian.com.
Copyright 2008 Dana Rudolph
|