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I
WAS A SOLDIER
By
Joseph C. Martin former
Sgt US Army |
In my military career,
over six and a half years, I was at two
different duty stations, visited six countries,
completed five rotations at the Army’s
training centers and served in Iraq twice. I
served with countless soldiers, trained them,
some of whom I regarded closer than my brother.
I held them in the highest of respects. I loved
them and was proud to have served with them. I
taught them how to survive and how to fight. I
instilled confidence and military bearing. I
pushed them when were ready to give up. And I
provided the motivation and leadership they
needed to succeed. I gave them a shoulder to cry
on and a boot in the ass when it was needed.
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I was a successful
Sergeant. I was well respected and loved. I
strove for being the best and expected the same
from my soldiers. I loved being a soldier. There
is no pride like the pride I had when I put on
that uniform and saluted the flag. I received
many awards, went to many schools and graduated
at the top of all my classes. I strove for
achievement. I was honor graduate at the
Noncommissioned Officer’s Academy at Fort
Hood, Texas. |
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There is no brotherhood
quiet like the brotherhood among soldiers. You
learn each other. You love each other and
support each other through everything. There are
more people in the Army that have influenced my
life than more than in my own family. These guys
became precious and important to me.
As soldiers, you learn
a trust between each other; you learn to read
one another. Your life depends on this kind of
understanding. I will never forget the first
time we were attacked. There were bangs and
sparks unlike any I have ever heard. It is so
much different when you are under fire, beneath
it all; there is a primal instinct to survive.
This is when you learn how important it is to
rely upon your fellow soldiers. This is where
the soldier bond counts, when your life is in
the hands of everyone else. On that night, I
held a wounded soldier in my arms. He was
blinded in one eye, sent home with a purple
heart. That is when I realized why I was really
serving, because of this brother, because of all
my brothers. Between us all, there is honor,
pride, and there is love like no other I have
ever experienced.
The day that I told my
best friend I was gay changed my entire life.
Andrew and I were close. He and I shared
everything; we were inseparable, on and off
duty. We were in a guard tower at our base in
Iraq having idle conversation like we would on
any day. He mentioned that he had a gay friend
in the Army that he had run into in Kuwait. We
chit-chatted for a while and I asked how we felt
about gays in the military. His reply was cool,
he didn’t care hell, they can carry guns too.
I confided in him. Even he will tell you I was
not coming on to him, I just wanted him to know.
I told him I was gay.
He looked at me weird and we both started
laughing. I asked him if he knew what was so
funny, "You don’t believe me." I
said. His look changed as he asked, "Are
you serious, Martin?"
Over the next couple of
weeks, Andrew asked me a brigade of questions
about who I liked within our outfit and if I was
sure I was gay and about my past and how I had
come to realize I was gay. I didn’t hold back,
I was completely honest. It felt good to have
someone I could confide in, someone I could
trust like that. He and I joked about it, and
life in the Army went on as usual.
I had noticed there was
a difference in the way two of my buddies were
around me. We didn’t hang out like we had; I
was left out of games and trips to the chow hall
and PX. I was by no means a loner, but the guys
that Andrew and I hung out with were different
around me. For some reason, I didn’t put 2 and
2 together.
One day while sitting
in our tent, a good buddy of mine came up and
asked me what was going on with Russell
(Andrew). I didn’t know what he meant so he
explained that Russell had been in talking to
the Commander all day. I was in charge of the
information flow between our deployed unit, and
home, so I knew everything that was going on,
but I didn’t know what the deal with Andrew
was. I ran into Andrew a few hours later and
asked if everything was all right and asked why
he was talking to the Commander. He told me
something was going on with his family but I
would have known if anything like that was going
on. It still hadn’t hit me that he had
possibly spilled the beans on me.
I was outside the chow
hall when the Executive Officer came up and said
"Sergeant Martin, can you come with
me?" I went with him and we made small talk
on the way to his tent and when we got there,
Staff Sergeant Gomez, my direct superior, asked
me for my weapon, gave me a questioning look and
left. I instantly knew what was going on, but I
was not prepared for the words nor was I
prepared for the tailspin I would be in over the
next few months.
"Sergeant Martin,
there have been some accusations by Sergeant
Russell…" his voice trailed. I sat there,
looking at the table; I couldn’t look this guy
in the eye. He went on to explain that Andrew
had told the Commander that I had admitted to
him that I was gay and that he was conducting an
investigation. A pile of paperwork sat between
he and I, he passed me an affidavit signed by
Andrew, asked me to read it and sat in silence
as I read the document that tore me out of the
closet and exposed me to everyone I held dear.
Andrew had laid out
everything. He told the Commander everything
from who I had found attractive to who I was
seeing back home, he left nothing to question. I
was humiliated. I put the paper down, and stared
off into nothingness trying to sort all this out
in my head. Lieutenant Allen took the paper and
explained to me what rights I had. He explained
that I could fight this, I didn’t have to
admit anything to him, but that there was going
to be an investigation. He put into plain words,
"You can deny this and there will be an
investigation and you will be on detail until it
is closed, or you can sign this and Statement of
Admission and you will be discharged without
punishment." This was not a light decision.
The XO went on to explain that I was relieved of
my leadership position and my weapon had been
taken for safety. He went on to tell me that as
we speak, the Commander was in formation with
everyone and telling them the situation because
he didn’t want there to be any incidents.
The Commander was
telling everyone that I was gay. I sat there in
shame. Everyone knew me, I was a trainer in the
company, and I was well known and looked to and
depended upon in the planning of missions and
training. Now everyone I worked with was going
to know I was gay. I had a million questions for
the XO, but couldn’t single one out to ask. He
had told me that I didn’t have to speak with
him, that I could go and speak with JAG, I did
just that.
JAG had explained that
the Army could not punish me for being gay, but
for breaking the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell
policy. After speaking with them, I decided that
the best thing was to admit it and go on with
what I had left. The main reason I decided this
is because my reputation was ruined, the
promotion I was getting would’ve been canned,
and my military career would hit a stand still
to say the least. Not only that, but what would
have come up in the investigation, they could
have taken my computer, read my mail and the
investigation could have gone for months,
something I was not looking forward to.
I was back in the
states 10 days later. I had new faces to explain
myself to. I was given three weeks to turn in
all my gear and go through the process of being
discharged from service. Everywhere I went, I
had to present paperwork that had to be signed
by the various departments. These papers had the
words "Homosexual Admission" written
on them. The humiliation was painful. My final
discharge paper, the one piece that soldiers
hold dear, has these same words written under
"Honorable Discharge" near the bottom.
I left Fort Hood with a
cloud of regret, pain and anger that have
followed me since. My Grandfather was a
decorated Captain; I have his discharge and
various pictures of his service hanging on my
wall. I can’t bear to hang mine up next to
his; there is so much dishonor and painful pride
when it comes to my time as a soldier. I have
cried, I have yelled at the moon and cursed
Andrew, myself and God for what has happened.
In telling Andrew, I
ended everything I had worked for. The Army was
so much of who I was. I was a soldier, a brother
and a leader. I had no education; the Army was
all I knew. For a long time, I blamed Andrew,
and I guess a big part of me still does. After
all, had he not said anything, I would still be
a soldier, serving with pride.
It has been eight
months. All the soldiers I was with in Iraq are
now back. Of all the soldiers, and the friends I
held closer than brothers, only one will talk to
me. I have asked him what the guys have to say
about me. "Honestly, Martin, you are the
butt of all the jokes, you are a laughing stalk,
man…. sorry." I had expected that.
Telling Andrew has
proved to be the best and worst decision I have
ever made in my life. I have not yet learned to
be proud of being gay. Out of all this, telling
my family, especially my mother, has been the
hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
Through this, I hope to find my place as a
civilian, a gay man. I want so badly to share my
story. I want everyone to know. Yeah, I am gay,
but I can carry a gun too. I can and have led
men, I can be a soldier, I was a soldier, a good
one.
I am still willing to
fight for this country, even though it would
seem that this country won’t fight for me.
To the soldiers with
whom I once served, I have paid my dues. I bled
with you, sweat with you and loved you. Be
careful, my friends. No matter what you think of
me, I will always hold you in the highest degree
of brotherhood.
I was a soldier and I
miss the Army. I miss the brotherhood. I feel
dishonored because I am who I am.
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